Taraki Punjabi Women's Forum reunited in April 2025 for a workshop on Managing Expectations.
In April 2025, Taraki’s Punjabi Women’s Forum had a conversation around the topic of expectations, discussing the purpose and benefits of expectations, and how we can use them positively in our lives.
Expectations can present themselves in many ways, whether internal, external, or passed down through generations, and act as both a compass and constraint in daily life. In South Asian households, expectations — especially those set by family — often shape how we see ourselves and our place in the world. They often start as a rulebook from previous generations to help establish our belief system of what we feel is right and wrong.
As we grow up and our life experiences begin to reshape what we have been taught, these expectations that we have inherited begin to change to reflect this. During this time, seeing older family members rebel from traditional pathways that have been outlined can serve as a reminder that we must stay true to ourselves. These self-measured values can help young people to set boundaries based on how they see others being treated, and how they want to be treated themselves, which can feel grounding. Equally, this newfound independence can be scary: we start to make decisions that may feel isolating, because they differ from what we are used to.
This confusing phase can cause us to question how helpful expectations actually are. We can be left wondering how healthy it is to live with expectations, especially those which we previously never thought to question. Recognising the vital framework that these standards allow us to maintain - for example where they can support mutual understanding in both professional and personal relationships - can allow us to find our own comfort levels when navigating what we feel okay with, versus what we would like to avoid. Understanding that expectations can be something transformative rather than something imposed on us can help to reframe our perspective.
One tool that was discussed to help us reframe our thoughts was a “love manifesto”. This document of self-declaration is an opportunity for you to outline personal and emotional values, your vision for life, and pledges within relationships with those around you as a way of gaining clarity on your own expectations.
Within the South Asian community, and particularly as women, we’re often taught to people-please, put others first, and silence our own needs for the sake of harmony. This often leads to unvoiced needs going unmet, which can lead to miscommunication and hurt. As the people we look up to don’t advocate for their own needs, or express their needs, we think that we must do the same.
In recent years, more and more studies have shown the influence that our childhood has on the way that we are wired. Now more than ever we are more aware of how much our trauma and prior experiences can distort our reactions in the present, so if we are taught to dismiss our own needs for the sake of others, it is no surprise that it can be scary to even think about putting yourself first. In instances like this, our expectations can be a gentle way of reminding ourselves that we matter and are just as important as those around us.
There is a deep and healing power in saying, “I deserve to be heard. My needs are valid.”.
Expectations are our everyday guides that allow us to navigate difficult decisions and choices around what we want and don’t want in life. They can evolve with life and growth, and are simply a way for us to vocalise advocating for ourselves and for our comfort levels. Giving ourselves permission to revisit and realign old expectations can be just as freeing as setting new ones. They can also help us to find peace and feel better within ourselves, which in turn can very easily positively influence those around us and build respect. When we learn to shape our expectations to reflect who we truly are - not just who we are told to be - we create space for self-respect, shared understanding, and healing that can be carried forwards to future generations.
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